


And This Is

by justjunhoes



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Heartache, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-04 23:09:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18822652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justjunhoes/pseuds/justjunhoes
Summary: And this is it. He is done. He is tired.





	And This Is

It’s always him. It’s always Jiwon. Only him who puts all the effort to be closer with Junhoe, to the way they were before where they could tease each other and have Junhoe yelling at his face for no reason.

But he is done. He is tired.

“Hyung!”

 _God. Get him out of my sight._ Jiwon sighs silently before he turns his attention to Junhoe. Putting his best smile, he greets the younger man.

“Anything?”

“Can I borrow your shirt…the ones left in the room? My shirts are mostly dirty.”

He nods. “Sure. Whatever.”

“Thanks, hyung.” Junhoe finds his tone so flat, uninterested. He wonders why. It has been days. Is something bothering Jiwon?

No, nothing bothers Jiwon. He sees how Jiwon’s mood completely changes when he hangs out with the members, especially with Donghyuk. Did he do something wrong? He keeps asking Donghyuk but again, the man says the same thing. 

"Look man. I don't know either. I do notice...uhh...Jiwon hyung looks like he is avoiding you."

"Exactly!" Junhoe sighs. "I...kinda miss his annoying ass. I mean he was trying so hard and I slowly open my heart for him then he just poof! Disappear?" He shrugs. 

"What if you are taking too long?" Donghyuk looks at him. 

Junhoe keeps quiet for a second. "Well...I am allowed to take all the time I want." He rolls his eyes. "Forget I ever asked."

Later that evening, they all get together in the living room for movie marathon since it is their day off. 

“Jiwon. Come to my room.”

Jinhwan’s voice sounds serious, demanding. Jiwon and the others exchange looks but say nothing. With heavy hearts, he nods and immediately gets up to follow Jinhwan.

“Alright. What is going on?”

“What do you mean?” Jiwon sits on the bed. He sighs, loud for Jinhwan to hear. “Nothing is wrong.”

“Liar.” Jinhwan then sits on a chair facing him. “I want you to be honest. I’m your hyung. Your friend.”

“Nothing. Do I look…not okay?”

“Yes. That’s exactly why I’m asking.” Jinhwan reaches for his hand. “Listen…Junhoe-”

“Oh!” Jiwon lets out a dry laugh. “I get it. You are the middle person now. I see.”

“Call me whatever you want. I just…hate seeing Junhoe like that.”

“Like what? He looks fine to me.”

“No, he’s not. He came to my room a few times to complain about you.”

Jiwon raises his eyebrow before he chuckles. “Complain about me? Hmmm…I haven’t done anything.”

“Except ignoring him. Dry replies. Cold stare.” Jinhwan holds his hand tightly. “What’s the matter? All these while you were chasing his ass then you suddenly stopped?”

“See. See that hyung? Repeat yourself. You would find the answer.” Jiwon yanks his hand away from his grip. “What am I? A Formula 1 driver? All I do I chase the circuit, the never ending circuit but never reaches checkered flag?”

“What…I…Jiwon. Please. Tell me what you really mean.”

Jiwon slowly lies down on the bed. He stares blankly at the ceiling. Should he tell Jinhwan everything? About how he feels?

“Alright. When you are ready.” Jinhwan puts his blanket on Jiwon. He reckons he should leave the man alone for now.

“I’m done. I’m tired.”

Jinhwan closes the door again. He makes his way to the bed. “What?”

“I’m done. I’m tired. Why do I have to keep chasing someone…whom I could never have? Why do I have to keep…giving it all, putting all the effort to chase someone…who would never turn his attention to me? Why do I have to be the only one breaking the walls between us…all alone just for him to build back up?” Jiwon’s voice breaks as he tries not to cry in front of Jinhwan.

“Jiwon…I’m sorry…”

Jiwon forces a laugh. “No, hyung. You don’t have to apologize. I need to apologize instead. To myself, to everyone in this group, to the fans. I’m such a fool. It’s been years. I keep trying to win his attention, to win his heart…to win him. But no…I fail. Miserably. I’m tired.”

“So…is this why you have been ignoring Junhoe? Making things…I mean…” Jinhwan gulps. He isn’t sure of which perfect words to say right now. “Is that why you…don’t talk…much…”

“Yes. Whatever thoughts you have in mind right now…it’s true. I AM ignoring Junhoe. I am only talking with him when needed. Otherwise…well…let’s just pretend Junhoe never exists.” Jiwon feels a stab to his heart. It was difficult for him to say it but he made up his mind.  He is DONE. And this is it. He decided to just give up.

“You are making a rash decision and it’s stupid, Jiwon.” Jinhwan touches his cheek, wiping drops of tears dripping from his eyes. “He is still your friend, your younger brother…you can’t just ignore him like that. At least…explain it to him.”

“I can’t…besides, I moved out.”

“You what? Since when? How can I do not know this?”

“Two days ago.” Jiwon inhales sharply. “I really love him, hyung. It is not easy for me but I am tired. I am done. Done. When I saw him just now…I felt happy for a moment. Like floating in air then...I landed to the ground because the happiness did not last.” He pauses. “You know it too, right hyung? How much I love him?”

Jinhwan nods. “Then how come you give up? Now? Why now?”

“Because I’m tired!” Jiwon almost raises his voice. “I’m tired. I still couldn’t stop loving him but I am tired of chasing him already. He never looks at me.”

“And how do you know that?”

Jiwon gets up. “Because he has his eyes on someone else. I’m just…nobody. A passerby. Noticeable but leaves no impact.”

Silence fills the room. Only the sound of clock ticking could be heard. They stay like that for a few minutes.

“It would be hard to move on but I have to. I can’t stay stuck like this, keep chasing one man who clearly doesn’t give…a damn.”

“Stop saying that.” Jinhwan holds his hand. “Think of the happy times with him.”

“Happy times? Were there any?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

Jiwon recalls all the happy times with Junhoe and by happy times, those were mostly him laughing at whatever Junhoe says and how the members especially Donghyuk loves teasing them and putting them together. Happy times. When Junhoe sang his lines and he smiled watching the younger sang, when they danced to Best Friend more than other pairing ever danced together. Maybe these were the happy times.

Does Junhoe ever feel happy when with him, when asked to pair up with him? Did Junhoe do all that to get it done quick, trying not to hurt him?

Junhoe does not even remember his birthday which is fine because he does not remember others’ birthday also but Junhoe always prepares something special for one person.

The person is sitting next to him now, comforting him. Funny how he is opening up to Jinhwan, the man who Junhoe only has eyes on. He could never be Jinhwan, not even in his dream.

So he decided to stop chasing. Stop chasing the uncertain. Stop chasing the shadow. Stop chasing the dust. Stop chasing foreseen disappointment. He knows, he is indeed tired. He is done. Moving out was also one of his decision. He couldn’t stand anymore, seeing the person you love so much is like a stranger.

Of course, this is not just a business relationship. He loves everyone in the group and thinks they are part of him, his life, like a family, except that he loves someone too much.

“Hey…are you okay? I’m sorry if I’m pushing you too much.” Jinhwan pulls him into his embrace. He plants a soft kiss on his head as he comfort him.

“It’s okay hyung. You just wanted to know. Glad I could get this off my chest.” Jiwon smiles a bit.

“Why don’t you rest here in my room okay? I’ll tell the boys you fell asleep.”

“Do you think they would buy it?”

Jinhwan smiles. “I would make them buy it. Now rest.” He gets up.

“Hyung?” Jiwon holds his hand. “Thank you.”

Jinhwan gives a warm smile and nods before he exits his room. He walks to the living room to see the others are the ones who fell asleep. Good, at least he doesn’t have to lie. He checks one by one.

Junhoe.

Junhoe locks his door. Jiwon’s words are fresh in his head, each words, every sentences are like on replay in his head. So he finally knew why Jiwon is being so distant with him that even Donghyuk really doesn’t know why.

_“I’m done. I’m tired.”_

He wants to have a talk with Jiwon. He should be allowed to tell how he feels. It is not fair. Jiwon should hear him too.

But what should he say? Why he has to explain his side of story? He suddenly feels irritated.

“Just come in hyung. I’m decent.” Jiwon chuckles. “Thanks for being my ear and I…” He sees Junhoe standing at the door. “Jinhwan hyung is probably in the living room.”

“Ya, I know.” Junhoe folds his arms.

“Oh okay then. I have to go.” Jiwon approaches him. “Bye.”

“It’s not fair, hyung.”

Jiwon glances at him. “What is it not fair? Enlighten me.”

“You said you are done. It’s not fair. I’m sorry. I love you hyung but that’s it. Just as friend…as a younger brother to older brother love. You can’t force my feelings.” Junhoe holds his fist. He tries not to show how bothered he is.

“I know. I know…feelings…should come naturally and not through force. I know…” Jiwon almost whispers. “That is why I am done. I need to move on right instead of clinging like this? Right?”

Junhoe gulps. He looks at Jiwon’s sad eyes.

“It’s always me, Junhoe. Me. I’m the one who initiate most of our conversation…our moments in front of fans…me. I’m the one who keep asking you out for a quick drink. I held your hand. You were so awkward that you became stiff. Anyone even the blind could see how…stiff your hand was.” Jiwon gives a sad laugh.

Junhoe keeps quiet. He doesn’t know what to say. He forgot what he had rehearsed earlier before he found some courage to knock the door.

“I know, Junhoe…” Jiwon’s hand is shaking but he still pulls himself together. He caresses the younger man’s cheek. “I know. I don’t want to force you to love me back. It’s cruel and I don’t want you to love me out of pity. It’s pathetic.”

“Hyung….I’m…I didn’t mean…that’s not…”

Jiwon smiles a bit. “Hmmm…I can still love you but I can’t hurt myself like this. I must be nice to myself also. We are still friends, Junhoe. I’m still your hyung.” He lightly pats his shoulder. “But I really am tired. I am done. Look at the bright side, Junhoe. No one would chase you like angry ghost. But we can still be that duo our fans love. No worries.”

“But hyung…why now…why so sudden? You know, I could…maybe…” Junhoe pauses. He bites his lips. He isn’t sure either what to say.

“Maybe what? Maybe you could fall in love with me? Return my feelings?” Jiwon chuckles, rather a sad one. “Don’t…lie to yourself and to me just to make me feel better. No need.”

Junhoe never thought the day could come. The day, the day he hears from Jiwon’s mouth himself that he is done, he is tired. Yunhyeong said this before but he just laughed it off.

“Well…good night. Tell Jinhwan hyung I left okay.” Jiwon shuts the door. He quickly leaves the house so no one would catch him crying. No one.

Jiwon is tired, is done. His heart is aching but he had enough. And when Junhoe realizes that Jiwon really means it, part of him crushes. He knows he has been selfish, playing push and pull with Jiwon. 

Until he sees how Jiwon holds Hanbin’s hand tightly, he couldn’t help but to stare, to wish Jiwon is holding his hand instead. But, it is too late right? 

Jiwon means it.


End file.
